My drama of the week took place while waiting for my daughter at the hair salon. Thank goodness this drama wasn’t one that involved me or my child, but it easily could have and has, on occasion, in the past. So, as I watched the hairdresser, child, and man who were all entangled, all I could think was A) “Boy am I glad that isn’t me” and B) “Wow, the English language needs help.” And it was all Sonic’s fault.
A little boy, I would say maybe 5 years old, had entered the salon with what looked to be his brother, as that child looked quite a bit like him and was a little older, accompanied by a woman that the little guy called mom, and an adult male. Mom left the kids with the man, he said he would handle the haircuts while she shopped for groceries, and they would all connect when they were done. Super boring. Don’t even know why I retained the exchange, except that she was tall, loud, frazzled, and yelled a lot, so I felt like I was supposed to be following all the directions she was issuing in the general area (what I wouldn’t give to be commanding. I can’t even get my OWN family to listen to me like that.) Anyway, the little dude also happened to be toting a very large stuffed Sonic toy, which was remarkable, since I didn’t even know that Sonic had that kind of juice with little kids anymore. Go figure.
Haircutting time came for Sonic boy, and he was escorted to the hairdresser and she was instructed how the boy’s hair should be cut: bangs, short. Rest of hair just a little shorter, but not too short (it was almost shoulder length, and now that I was completely involved in this child’s life, I wanted to speak up and say “Oh, dude, really, at least off the collar! He’s only 5! This is the only time you have control over this stuff so set a trend while you can will ya?” But, I just stared disapprovingly over the top of my People magazine and tsk-d to myself.) As she started cutting, Hairdresser Lady made conversation about Sonic and how cool he was, voicing my thought that she didn’t even think they made him anymore, to which the boy answered, “He was made at a garage sale.” As Sonic was almost the size of the boy, she made the practical suggestion that perhaps Sonic would be safer waiting elsewhere during the cut, so he wouldn’t be all hairy at the end. The boy shook his head (never a good move when someone has scissors poised near your ears) and gripped the toy in the kind of clutch that only a child in terror can manage.
Hairdresser Lady tried to go one step further, which is, of course, where we all go wrong. She kindly offered, “Maybe your Dad could hold him for you?” to which the child answered gutturally, “That’s NOT my dad. THAT’S my mom’s BOYFRIEND. I don’t KNOW where MY dad is.” Boom. There it was. The social turd in the punchbowl. No fishing it out out and pretending it wasn’t there, now. And the dude? The one who knew all about how to cut the child’s hair, and had been deeply involved in helping the other child (who knew who in the heck that kid was now…his child? A friend? Somebody they just kidnapped and were cutting his hair so no one would recognize him and the mom was in the store buying hair dye to complete the transformation? Dunno…all bets were off now!) yeah that dude didn’t rush to the rescue now. Now, he was in full boyfriend-not-my-problem-it’s-not-MY-kid-mode, and Hairdresser Lady was on her own to stammer, apologize, and work around Sonic, and everything else, for the rest of the cut.
This scene, of course, got me to thinking: this is replayed all the time. It has happened to me with my kids when they were younger and I had a boyfriend. It is such a common part of society, and yet we have no words to save us from the verbal landmine of “that’s not my dad/mom.”
I am old enough to remember when the Census Bureau had to come up with a way to count unmarried partners in the 1970’s. Here is a quick reminder for some, or lesson for others: POSSLQ: is an abbreviation (or acronym) for "Persons of Opposite Sex Sharing Living Quarters," a term coined in the late 1970s by the United States Census Bureau as part of an effort to more accurately count households with adults living together outside of marriage. I recall hearing jokes about it around my home, and on TV when staying up past bedtime.
As cohabitation became more common in the ‘80s, the Bureau began directly asking respondents to their major surveys whether they were "unmarried partners," thus making obsolete the old method of counting cohabitors." By the late ‘90s, the term had fallen out of general usage. But it's actually still in use, as a specialized term for demographers. Although interesting to note that it still exists! (Definition taken from various online sources)
This concept was so popular, Charles Osgood famously (perhaps infamously) wrote the poem below:
My POSSLQ
Come live with me and be my love,
And we will some new pleasures prove
Of golden sands and crystal brooks
With silken lines, and silver hooks.
There's nothing that I wouldn't do
If you would be my POSSLQ.
You live with me, and I with you,
And you will be my POSSLQ.
I'll be your friend and so much more;
That's what a POSSLQ is for.
And everything we will confess;
Yes, even to the IRS.
Some day on what we both may earn,
Perhaps we'll file a joint return.
You'll share my pad, my taxes, joint;
You'll share my life - up to a point!
And that you'll be so glad to do,
Because you'll be my POSSLQ.
How much of Charles Osgood's poem, “My POSSLQ,” was original? Well, the first four lines certainly "hook" you, don't they? They were lifted, with additions, from this poem:
The Bait, by John Donne
Come live with me, and be my love,
And we will some new pleasures prove
Of golden sands, and crystal brooks,
With silken lines and silver hooks.
(First 4 lines only…you get the drift…)
And, if you have a frightening, cobwebby, Grandma’s attic of a memory like mine (and of course if are old enough…) you’ll recall that this doggerel was also turned into a song, circa 1980, creatively titled: “The POSSLQ Song” lyrics by Osgood, music by P.P. Jennings.
Obviously, adding a new acronym to the lexicon isn’t easy. Look at the POSSLQ: it didn’t take into account homosexual relationships. That speaks volumes for where we were then, and how far we have come. But this is also proof of how far we have to go that we only have words for mother, father, stepmother and stepfather, and no neutral term that the general public can use to refer to adults in children’s lives, to avoid the Sonic Situation.
I would be remiss if I didn’t make my own offering, of course, before closing. I’ll admit, though, that this is a lot harder than it would seem at first glance. I worked at it quite a while. Although I believe I’ve incorporated the elements necessary to make the term inclusive and general enough for common use, I think the acronym itself would need some tweaking in order for it to fall into common use. Then again, I may be wrong. For your consideration, here is my take on the POSSLQ for non-parental figures:
Adult Supervisor Sharing Housing/Other/Living/Etc/Space: ASSHOLES
Yeah, maybe it needs a little work.
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