For Honest Parents

If, like other honest parents, you might be looking for ways to keep from losing your sanity here at the end of Winter Break (you'll note I didn't mention anything about it being New Year's Day...for one thing, because you, my dear fictional readers, do not yet exist, and for another...if you do one day, you'll understand that honest parents care nothing for New Year's Day: it's known better as "One Day Closer to School Starting Again!" And that's something worth celebrating!)

Anyway, these honest parents, and readers, if they do exist...would be well served to do what I happened to do today...and will resolve (pardon the pun) to do at least every week or two during vacations, if not during school time as well. What is this tonic, this elixir? Why, have the children's friends and their parents over for supper, that's what! I know this seems silly, and maybe I am just a lazy parent for not doing it more often, or perhaps an honest one for admitting that I don't do it that much...but the key here is not just the friends. It's including the parent(s).

We do on occasion have kids over for a dinner, or to spend the night. With tonight's revelation, though, it was in the inclusion of the siblings, and the parent, that I got such relief. And maybe it's just me, and maybe I just need to get out more...but I have spent much of the break running the kids to appointments, or myself to them, or the kids to church choir practices, or all of us to services, and by the time we had all of those things done, it seemed like we barely had time for the actual holidays themselves, and then it was...today. And when my oldest asked if she could have a friend over for dinner some time and then asked when, I thought of all the cookie dough still in the fridge, and all the decorations still looking pretty, and thought "Now would be great!" Plus, with the kids all being kinda tired and stir crazy from staying up late last night and then suddenly "nothing" to do but irritate each other, the distraction of unplanned "company" for dinner would be welcome.

The "company" thing was all well and good, although the kids were still weird. The boys fell strangely and for once unhelpfully silent (single dad that brought his two kids over, would have appreciated some "guy-talk", and I would have, too!) and the girls were suddenly teasing and picking, after spending a pretty peaceful vacation with each other. I would normally have been quite displeased with the girls, may have even punished them. The boys had misbehaved earlier in the day, which had really upset me, but after the evening had ended, I had a whole new perspective that, although it didn't change the way I dealt with the boys' misbehavior earlier in the day, it changed the way I spoke to them about it.

When this dad entered our home, he noticed that we had a "chore chart". He laughed, and asked whether I had difficulty getting the kids to get their chores done. I said, trying to be diplomatic, "Well, no more than the next person, I suppose." (Meaning, "You show me yours, I'll show you mine" in the problem department...I didn't want to tell too much, or too little...oh, if I'd only known!) Well, then he stated that his kids didn't really have chores, just to keep their rooms clean. After reviewing the daily and weekly chores that the kids have (1-2 on weekdays and 2-3 on the weekend, plus bedroom maintenance, and once someone has 2 days "on" dish duty, they get two days "off", lest you think me akin to Cinderella's wicked stepmummy and call in the Fairy Godmother brigade). He resolved (there's that word again! weird!) that his kids were going to start doing chores. I explained that they get paid for their chores, as long as they do them. He was shocked, as he just pays them their allowance "Just for 'being.'" Then I was shocked! I wish I could get paid "just for being!"

We sat down to dinner, which was steak and salad. I found it odd that my own children took no salad when first serving, so I reminded them that they had missed it. There were smiles and teases. In our home, everyone must at least taste everything is served, and then can opt for more or not. But if an appropriate amount is not consumed at dinner: no dessert. (Curses!) Well, I had been warned ahead of time by my oldest, that one of the children visiting was a "picky eater". "Oh well", I had told her when she said this, "I am sure she will manage to find something at the table that she can survive on, or her daddy can deal with her when they get home." Well, I am betting that his "dealing with her" is going to be very different tonight than in nights past. He watched in amazement as all of mine, including the youngest, ate steak AND salad, even though some professed greater or lesser preference for the salad. And even MY "pickiest" eater, one of my dear boys, said that he (Oh, bless me Lord, and forgive me for bragging here...but I earned this one): he (ok, I'll breathe) "Kinda liked it" (ah, there, I got to say it!) I approached the salad with humor myself, since it was not the kind I am used to, and referred to some of the items as "weeds", as I ate them. But ate them I did! (Curses!)

And as this man observed the reasonably clean plates all around, he said "You know, I think that is what I'm going to do. I'm going to have to tell mine that they just can't leave the table til they're done." And as he said this aloud, I thought "You know, that sounds so easy, when you say it aloud now, doesn't it? Makes ya wonder why you haven't." But I reassured him that I dealt with a couple of picky eaters myself, and pointed to the boys, who smiled at him as they chowed down their salads and prodded each other jokingly as to who tried it, or who had tried it "first", or "most". And our one guest's plate sat...full. I finally asked her if I could take it for her, and she nodded, quietly. I figured her dad was not going to start the rule while they were visiting. And it would take some time...and tears. I know...I lived it. Not fun. But worth it. Like one of my sons said later (again, God...just gimme this one: "I'll try anything now, and like just about all of it." Oh, thank you!!!)

Well, the funny thing is, when we were done, and headed for dessert, I smiled at the kids and asked them to have the table cleared up and dessert out, please. Not five minutes later, they were done, like a well-oiled machine. It was like a dance. Or a machine. Or a dancing machine. After all the chitchat, my kids got up, and casually, one of them gave the other a hug, and then one hugged me, just in the process of wandering about. The sad thing is, after all my pride in the chore calendar, their eating habits, the dish clearing, and their manners, what struck this visiting parent the most was when he witnessed physical affection. He raised his voice to his son (hm...) and said "See, they all hug, why can't you do that?" His son quietly shrugged, obviously embarrassed. But then the sister, who hadn't said more than a word or two strung together most of the night piped up and said "Whenever I want a hug, all he (the brother) does is hit me!" There proceeded to be a "discussion" about who hugs or doesn't hug, and why. This surprised me more than anything else about a family. I know there are families that don't make their kids help with dishes or vacuuming, or have varying levels of expectations about rooms. I know some pay allowances for "just being alive" (I suppose the motivation being: "Hey, don't die this week, please" ???) and I even came from a family that wasn't terribly big on hugging, although I am glad that I have created one that does. But one that hits instead of hugs? Whoa. Shortly after all the hugging, these folks went home, and I had a chance to talk to mine.

I was so happy to thank my kids for being such a pleasure. Even though earlier in the day I had wondered whether we'd make it to Monday with all of our wits, I know we will. I did have a "sit-down" with my boys, whose latest "go-round" earlier in the day had resulted in a "tattle" from their sister. When I spoke to them, what I explained was that although I am no fan of tattling, it was upsetting to me to know that they had misbehaved, and one of the reasons things do work so smoothly (that well-oiled machine) is that we have rules that everyone knows and follows. I told them how badly I felt at times like these, when I would like to reward them for one thing, and yet the rules prevent me from it. They actually stopped me themselves, and told that it was ok that they had the consequences that they did (no TV that night, and I had rented a movie...curses!) because they knew that although they had resolved their differences, their fight had upset their sister, and that was wrong. I thanked them for their maturity, and then we talked a little more about what they had observed in the family that had just visited. They were shocked as well, and were upset by the "hitting not hugging" and were the first to note that "There's no way we'd hit our sister for anything, especially a hug." And there was a list of things that they observed that was of concern to them. They seemed to have grown a little that night, throwing their shoulders back and saying "I've come a long way!" and one even said, "I feel as though I getting more mature every day." That's a lot from a 14-year old (Even a 40 year old...although some say "older," there's a big difference between "older" and "more mature...")

Anyway, that's a long way of saying, if you think your own kids are driving you nuts sometimes, all you really need to do is invite someone else's over, and their parent, too. The kids will show you how great your own are, and the parent will either be pretty darn impressed with what you are doing, or if they worth their salt, you might get some good tips. I am glad that this time, this one just made me feel impressive. I was in need of some feeling impressive. The next one might give me tips. Or, you might get some of each. And, your kids might have someone else to look at and talk to for a change, besides each other, and YOU. So, better pick up the phone, plan your menu, set the table, and get ready to feel a whole lot better! (And just a last note on the menu planning...I only served stead because that's what I had in the freezer! Make the plans first, then make the menu...otherwise you won't do it. Make anything: tacos, lasagna...frozen kind...or just do TV dinners! Believe me, no one cares about your cooking skills. It's the hanging out. And the feeling better about your kids! Call someone. Or at least plan to do it for MLK Day...it's coming up! In January! Yea!)