I Need a Funeral

I have decided that I am ready for my funeral. Not that I am dying, or anything that dramatic. It’s just that it has been a tough week. Well, maybe a tough month. Ok, maybe most of this year so far hasn’t gone all that smoothly. And there’s a lot about a funeral that I could use right now.

–First of all, someone would do my hair and makeup and dress me up in my best outfit. That would be great. I need a make over.
–I would get to lie down for the whole party in a satin lined...well, ok it’s a casket...but still...satin. Comfy. And that nice little satin pillow? That looks comfy, too.
–Everybody would be there. And I mean, EVERYBODY. There isn’t anyone that doesn’t love a good funeral. And since I am still young, it would be well attended. By young, I mean by funeral standards. By dating and career standards, at just around 40...I feel almost past my prime. But for a funeral, I am a draw. “Ooh,” I can just hear my mother’s friends now, “she was so young.” (The same ones that right now are saying “Doesn’t she seem a little old to be wearing/saying/doing that?”)
–People would say nice things and tell funny stories about me. I would like to hear those things right about now. I need to hear how I changed someone’s life, or made someone happy, or just that someone knew I was here for a while and they were glad. Mostly, it’s hard to tell if I make a ripple in someone else’s pond. Unless I cut them off in traffic, and then their finger tells me of that ripple quite clearly.
–I want to hear the CD mix that I know somebody will make of all the music that reminds him, or her, of me. (I am hoping it will be a him.) And that he will pick really cool stuff like “Brick House” by The Commodores (even though that song is about an Amazon woman and I am only 5 feet tall), or “Sweet Home Alabama” by Lynrd Skynrd (even though I am from California, it’s still a great song), or “Highway to Hell” by AC/DC (just for the shock value).
–I love a good buffet and funerals always have the best ones. I want to have some Jello salads and ham and apple pie and ice cream.
–I could use a bunch of prayer. I don’t expect to get to Heaven, or anything right now. I know I have work still to do here. I just think all that singing and praying would be refreshing.
–Most everyone I know is in need of a good cry and a good laugh, and a funeral gives everyone the chance to do some of both.

But, I am out of luck, as usual. ‘Cause I ain’t dying. And nobody seems to be throwing funerals for the living. So I guess I will just take a nap, have a snack, go to church, and celebrate myself as I am: a little tired, a little hungry, and in need of prayer and catharsis. And maybe that is what a funeral provides, after all: catharsis, community, communion, and connection. That is what we all need. I do need a funeral. Don’t we all?