Until just a few years ago, the only thing I knew about the Mayans was…well, I don’t know that I knew anything specific at all about them, now that I think about it. But I knew that they had existed a long long time ago, their culture had died out, and we had the broken pottery and crumbling architecture to prove it.
With recent movies, TV specials, and books on the subject, I now know that the big deal about the Mayans is that they predicted the end of the world would be in 2012. I don’t really know the details of the predictions or how they were communicated. For all I know someone found an ancient cave painting of a Mayan guy wearing a sandwich board that said “The end is near” and the number 2012 on it, and this gave us a movie starring John Cusack (for which I am truly grateful. If the world has to end next year for a few more movies to be made with John Cusack before we go, that is fine by me.)
Everyone seems to have a position now on the whole Mayan thing. The good news is, I really don’t. Apocalyptic predictions are pretty easy to come by, and I could spend my last few precious years, or decades, depending on who’s right, just digging through all the theories. Seems like an ironic waste of time to spend your life trying to figure out how it’s going to end.
But, for the sake of my having something to write about today, let’s say the Mayans’ sandwich board guy got it right and next year is it for all of us. I have been thinking a little about the things I will and will not miss, should we go the way of, well, the Mayans:
Will Not Miss:
The pits in avocados and mangoes. Great fruits, but the flesh to pit ratio is out of whack. Plus, by the time you try to free the mango from its pit, pretty much you could have just sliced up a peach, and settled.
Hair removal. The shaving, plucking, and dissolving with various chemicals is not only time consuming, but tedious. I find that there is always something, somewhere that gets missed. It’s the kind of thing that will distract me the rest of the evening once I see it…one tiny hair, and I can focus on it more intensely than any speech, movie, or dinner date that the hair removal was intended for in the first place.
Saying hi all day long in the hallway at work. Although I enjoy my colleagues immensely, am delighted to stop and chat whenever we pass each other, there should be a legal limit for how many times you have to say hi to the same person when you pass them in the hallway multiple times throughout the day. “Hi”, “How are you”, “How’s it going”, “Hey”, “Oh you again,” it becomes a little silly after a while. I would not miss this social ritual, were it to disappear tomorrow (or, let’s say, a year from now.)
Grocery store parking lots. This is a place where new cars go to become old cars. The dents and dings inflicted by runaway carts, doors flung open by cars parked too closely, bumpers dented by people who reverse first and look later, it is a danger to vehicles large and small, but the little guy really takes a beating. Suburban vs Kia: you know who is going to come out the winner in this bout.
And one last item:
Ill fitting underwear. From the sag of the granny panty to the pinch of the thong, from chasing wayward bra straps to the gouging underwire from hell, there are myriad foundation garments that, should we all be launched into space by a giant explosion, better all be going with us.
The list could go on, but I want to mention some of the good in this world that would be missed as well. This includes:
Bubbles. Their simple, silent beauty, and the act of sitting on a porch blowing them from a wand with a small child giggling with you is a pretty darn good thing. Bubbles: missed.
Lipstick. Love the stuff. Even if I don’t have any makeup on, just some lipstick will give the illusion that I am “finished.” Magical. Wish there was a lipstick equivalent for one’s career.
New toothpaste. I like having that new tube that I haven’t squeezed so badly in the middle that half of the stuff is trapped at the bottom of the tube, and then have to work to get out. Those first few squeezes (from the middle) of a new tube are awesome.
Chocolate covered cherries. Perfect food: it’s candy, but fruit. Go with it, its fruit.
Puppy tummies. Puppies always have these really round, soft tummies that are awesome to cuddle. A dog tummy is ok, but not the same as puppy tummy.
John Cusack movies. You knew this was coming, but I wanted to make sure we covered this. “Serendipity,” “Say Anything,” “Martian Child,” I could go on and on…but I might not have time, if his “2012” movie is right.
Sleeping in. There is just not enough sleeping being done anymore. I don’t know what happened to the idea of the long, lazy morning at home in bed (maybe that was just my idea) but…well maybe I won’t miss it if we explode. Or implode. Or whatever…(maybe I need to read a book about this after all?) I imagine we just won’t be around to do the sleeping anyway. And I’ve heard Heaven is pretty relaxing…
If I had to pick one last thing to miss it would be…well, everything. Even though there are many days that I feel like the world is full of mango pits and granny panties, I will try to remind myself that it also has plenty of bubbles and puppy tummies to balance it all out.
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