Shut My Mouth

Words are the medium by which I express…well…everything; my artistic side, emotions, intellect, personality, and so many other things. They all come through by way of my essays, blogs, or just simple conversation.
But when things aren’t going well, the first casualty is always the thing that is also my source of comfort: my words. If I’m angry or upset, I get quiet. It isn’t a purposeful silent treatment; rather, it just feels like I’ve swallowed all my words, and can’t spit any of them out again. They just sit in the pit of my stomach instead.
When times are tough, the written word won’t come to me at all. I don’t know if it’s that I don’t have anything to say, or if it’s that I have so much that it gets all jumbled together and can’t make it out of the traffic jam of my mind. Or maybe I just don’t want to examine the words that are trying to escape, since they aren’t ones that are as pleasant as what I’d like to imagine. I never want to write about bad stuff, and when things are going badly, that seems to be what takes over my mind and shuts my mouth.
When I’m struggling, I also tend to stop speaking to myself as well. Not that I am to be found wandering the streets, gesticulating wildly and shouting at myself. What I stop is the positive self-talk that I generally use to get through a challenge, or even just a day that needs some effort. The silent “Come on, you can do this…” or “Well, I’m sure there’s a good reason this is happening…” and “At least there will be friends/coffee/my dog waiting…” for encouragement, and to remind myself that indeed there usually is a good reason for things and that my dog is always waiting for me, these words are helpful and sometimes even powerful. But, times of stress and strain cause me to give myself the silent treatment, leaving me on my own, or worse: sighing silent messages of defeat.
I’d like to say that as a result of this awareness I’ve learned some valuable new approach to managing the down times. That now, I write, speak, call friends, or reach out in some way with the words that serve me so well during sunnier phases of life. But, it isn’t so. I have acknowledged my tendency to pull away from people, even from myself, and my words. I realize the frustration it causes for those who love me…including the frustration for myself…after all I love me too!
I do, however, believe there is a reason for things to be the way that they are, even my strange hermit-like ways. Although it’s no fun when my words leave me, and I leave everything and everyone else in turn, I find that when it passes, there have been lots of things collecting while I’ve been “away.” Then I enjoy the downpour of thoughts and ideas and new ways of looking at the world that were just waiting to burst forth, while I was waiting. Quietly.